3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
