Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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