I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
