Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I want to be your penis for a week.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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