did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
