Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
