4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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