did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I want to fling myself into the sun
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
