Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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