went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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