turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
