She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
