good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i love accidental penises.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Randomize
