I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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