Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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