I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
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If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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