The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
