Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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