ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
