I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
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She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
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They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
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