i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
