I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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