Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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