OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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