There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
