Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
