Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
