Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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