never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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