I met the friendliest cop last night
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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