When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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