im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
