just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
