i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
