I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
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