i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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