Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
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My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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