Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
