Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
