i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
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