I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
