Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Just puked most of my soul out..
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
