you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.