Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER