mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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