apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
