If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
