Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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