literally had 100 drinks last night.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
