A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
