She went from zero to smokin in five shots
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
