i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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