A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I don't think brook has ever known best
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
