Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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