Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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